Capture Your Grief 2016 ♡

Capture Your Grief.

DAY 1: SUNRISE DEDICATION.

• 7:25 am. Locust, North Carolina. I dedicate this project of healing to my daughter, Lacey, and to myself. These last few years have been very hard for me. When you find out you're going to have a baby, you automatically start planning how you want everything to go. Sometimes things do not go as planned and your world comes crashing down around you. Everything you trusted and believed in becomes skewed and nothing makes sense anymore. A child is not supposed to die before their parent. A parent isn't supposed to make funeral arrangements for a baby, especially when you just celebrated with a baby shower only 2 before. Life isn't fair but it keeps on going no matter what and we're left to pick up the shattered pieces of our broken hearts.

DAY 2: WHO THEY ARE.

• Lacey Camilla Kost. 2 pounds, 15 ounces. Born 9:18 pm at 34 weeks gestation. I got to keep her for a little over 24 hours. Those are my best and worst hours.

DAY 3: WHAT IT FELT LIKE.

• Imagine your soul dying. That's what it felt like. My soul cracked in half and part of me literally died that day. When I went to bed the night before, all was well. Baby was kicking and I was grumbling because I couldn't get comfortable. Little did I know that would be the last time I ever felt her kicks. When I woke up, I went about my morning normally. Getting ready for an appointment, I used the restroom. There was blood. A LOT OF BLOOD. I freaked out but thought maybe I was just going into labor and we needed to go to the hospital. We arrived, I told them I was 34 weeks and I was bleeding. A lady gave me her wheelchair. They wanted me to pee in a cup. I tried but only blood came out. It nearly filled the cup halfway. No urine. I was told to get undressed and put on a gown. I remember looking down at my pants as I took them off. More blood. I climbed in the bed, a nurse came to attach the baby monitors. She placed it on my belly and slid it around. Silence. She said she'd try in a different spot. Silence. She got another nurse. A bit more frantic this time. Silence. Another machine. Silence. I didn't want to believe it but I already knew. When we had been leaving our house, I was literally punching my stomach to get her to move. Just one thump. PLEASE, JUST ONE! They brought in the doctor with an actual ultrasound machine. The room was full of people. We're they really there or did the room just feel so small? I don't know. She slid the transducer all over. "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat..."

DAY 4: SUPPORT CIRCLES.

• I have felt so alone since Lacey died. Not because I don't have anyone to talk to, I do, it's just hard to talk to them face to face. That's why I am so lucky to have met such wonderful women through the loss groups I participate in. Talking online is easier somehow because I can type out how I feel instead of jumbling my words up due to my anxiety. I love that you all are there when I need you. The loss mom community is like having another family where someone is always there to lend an ear and a helping hand. I've never met such selfless people in my life. The women who will take time out of vacations to remember the babies that others have lost. The women who will spend time creating perfect photos to send to you of your child's name embroidered on fabric. The women who will paint beautiful artwork to capture the beauty of your child's name. The women who have taken the memory of my daughter all around the world. For that, I will be forever grateful. ❤❤❤

DAY 5: THE UNSPOKEN.

• Why is talking about dead babies so taboo in our society? I'll never understand why people will talk about their sex lives, their drinking and drug using, cheating, criminal behaviors and nobody bats and eye. If you were to let a loss mom openly talk about how her child passed, the funeral plans, her birth experience, or whatever else, everybody gets super uncomfortable and automatically they start fidgeting and you can see "the look" on their faces. Well, I'm sorry. I'm not going to shut up about my daughter EVER. I will never be able to forget about her, about what happened on that day. The day that was supposed to be her BIRTH day, not her death day. The day that was supposed to be happy and joyous and turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life. I had Lacey on a Monday, the funeral home came for her on Tuesday and I didn't leave the hospital until Friday. I couldn't go see her again until Sunday and by then it was too late. Her body was too far gone and my husband thought I shouldn't see her. So I didn't. Nobody talks about this stuff because it's "uncomfortable" so new parents have no idea what they're getting into. They have no idea what to do or where to turn or what to ask for. I had never heard of NILMDTS. I didn't think to take videos or hand and foot molds. To cut off some of her hair. To bathe her. Nobody told me. THIS is what needs to be shared by medical professionals. Parents NEED to know what can happen and what their options are. Everybody knows about the "birth plan" but nobody has a "death plan" because nobody talks about it...

DAY 6: EMPATHY.

"Empathy is walking a mile in somebody else's moccasins. Sympathy is being sorry their feet hurt." - Rebecca O'Donnell 

• When we see our loved ones hurting, we want to do something about it. We want to fix it. Losing a loved one is hard, especially when it's a child. Grief is such a personal emotion and it makes others uncomfortable. People automatically start saying things to make themselves feel better under the impression that it will make us feel better..."God needed another angel." "At least you have Mason." "Maybe God saw something worse happening to her so he took her now." "At least she wasn't older." "You're still young, you can have another baby." "God won't give you more than you can handle." "God works in mysterious ways." "But you didn't REALLY know her."

Just to be clear, these things really do not help; although the intention is appreciated. We don't need to think about replacing our child with another. When you see someone struggling, you don't have to say anything. Just BE THERE for them. Hug them. Let them cry on your shoulder. Make a meal for them. Encourage them to talk. Imagine how you would feel if you were in their shoes: how would you want to be treated? That is the key to empathy.

DAY 7: MYTHS.

• Grief has an endpoint because time heals all wounds. The first year is the worst but after you're done grieving, you'll return to normal. Grief is like a cold, day by day it gets better until it's all gone. Unless you're a woman, that is. Women grieve more than men. Men don't want to talk about grief and if you ignore it, it'll eventually go away. Everything happens for a reason. I mean you can't grieve something you never had, right? W-R-O-N-G! All of these are myths about grief. Grief lasts forever. You will never 'get back to normal.' Your loss will create a new normal for you. We are all capable of grieving but men are conditioned to believe that "real men" don't cry; Men are supposed to be tough, to be the rock but that isn't true. Always trying to be strong can actually hurt you because you have to deal with your emotions to properly process them. Grieving the loss of a child means grieving events you will never get to experience: her first steps, his first day of school, her first boyfriend, going to prom, going off to college, walking your daughter down the aisle, your grandchildren. All of it is gone the instant their heart stops beating. It is very possible to grieve something you never had because it's losing all of your hopes and dreams for them, it's losing part of your future.

DAY 8: BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES.

"You are a song, a dream, a whisper and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have." - Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

• I have often wondered what Lacey would be like if she were here now. She would be almost 3 years old. Would she be a glitz and glam girl or would she be a rough and tumble tomboy? Would she be spunky or reserved? Would she be an extrovert like her dad or an introvert like me? Would she like spontaneity or routine? Both of my living children are outgoing. They are always grinning from ear to ear. They make new friends easily. They don't get that from me. I like to think that Lacey would be my mini-me. A quiet girl who likes her own space. Thoughtful, caring and sweet. Dependable but not a doormat; Forgiving but not naive. She would want to explore the outdoors; picking wildflowers and learning new things at her own pace. She would be creative and we would make tons of crafts and toys to play with. She would love to look at pictures books and we'd play fight about who would turn the pages. She would be the biggest cuddle bug, never wanting to be put down. It's so unfair to think about all the things I'll never get to do with her..

DAY 9: SURRENDER + EMBRACE.

"...and every once in a while, she calls my name out loud. And when she thinks about us, she'll face the fact: she wants to go back. she opens her heart to an old memory, she closes her eyes and she smiles. just ask her if she ever still thinks about me, she'll say every once in a while..." - Blackhawk, Once in A While.

• Grief is weird. Some days you're perfectly fine. Other days it's like a heavy black cloud following you around. It's been almost 3 years for me now and I've been very depressed most of the time. At first, I was trying to be strong. After a while, it became unbearable to try and fake it. I gave in and surrendered to the pain. I threw up my white flag to the sadness and let it wash over me. It was liberating to be able to talk freely about my daughter and not really care how others would react because I really don't care. My journey isn't about them. My journey is about me. I embrace the pain now. Some days I even seek it out just to feel it. Most days I'm perfectly fine now but some days I get triggered. I still sleep with my baby every night. I talk to her a lot. That's all I get. I don't get snuggles and kisses from her. I can't tuck her into bed. I have to embrace what I've been able to keep. I will always love my daughter and do anything I can to keep her memory alive. Even if it means listening to the songs I picked to be played at her funeral.

DAY 10: SYMBOLS + SIGNS.

• I'm not one of those people who think every single thing is "a sign" from Lacey. Although, there has been a few surprising and inexplicable occurrences that have happened. The main symbol I have for Lacey is an elephant. Her baby shower theme was elephants and it just stuck. Now I have a ton of figurines that remind me of her. The most insane and most amazing sign I EVER received was what I got for Christmas this past year. For Lacey's 2nd birthday, I let heart shaped balloons go. Her birthday is December 9th. I wrote my name and phone number on the back with a message saying to text me the location of where the balloon was found. On Christmas day, I received a text saying that my balloon had been found that evening in the back of an abandoned field in Maine! It was tattered and partially covered in snow. What I had written was almost completely erased but they had found my number. The balloon was found by an elderly couple who did not know how to text but they felt compelled to call their daughter and have her to text me. My balloon had travelled from NC all the way to Maine! 1,076 miles! It was seriously the absolute BEST gift EVER! Maybe our spirits do stay around our loved ones or maybe it was just a very big coincidence... Whether you believe in signs or not, the most important thing is that if something is reminding you of your baby, that is always a good thing.

DAY 11: CREATIVE HEARTWORK.

"Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity." - T.S. Eliot

• I like to think I am a very creative person. I love making things with my own hands because it helps with my anxiety. Anything that I have to focus on helps. Today, I decided to finish up a project I've been wanting to put together for a while and this seemed like the perfect day for it. I present you with a shadowbox. Nothing fancy but I did the textured painting on the frame. I got it at a garage sale and the plastic frame was scuffed with many different colors. I just love taking things and making them beautiful again. Just like us loss moms...we may no longer be in mint condition but we can always try to mend ourselves and become something new.

DAY 12: LEMONS + LEMONADE.

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." - Voltaire

• I feel that we all have the World's Largest Lemon trophy sitting on our mantles. My body is also a lemon, although I know we're not talking about pieces of junk today. I was really finding it difficult to think of what some of my lemonade would be. One would be my rainbow baby. I was less than 2 weeks away from signing the paperwork for tubal ligation. I already had a boy and I was about to have my girl. I didn't want another baby. If Lacey hadn't passed, I wouldn't have my Baby. Another ingredient of my lemonade is your sweet babies. It has brought me so much joy to use their names as a medium for my projects. I love that I have brought happiness into your lives, as well as my own. Lacey's passing has allowed me to enter a world I was previously unaware of. I am so grateful to have met such wonderful women who have shown me that I am not alone. When you first lose a child, you're so lost because you've never navigated this path. It's amazing to have someone take you under their wings and show you compassion and how to get through it. Thank you all so much!

DAY 13: DEAR WORLD.

"Often it isn't the initiating trauma that creates seemingly insurmountable pain, but the lack of support after." - S. Kelley Harrell.

• It has been almost 3 years and some nights while I'm trying to fall asleep, I find myself right back in the hospital. I didn't know why it was happening. At first, I thought I was doing it on purpose, trying to remember my baby. But I was remembering the bad stuff more than the good. I had a very difficult time after I gave birth to my rainbow. She had to stay in the "NICU" and I honestly wasn't very interested in staying in there with her. To me, it was normal to be in the hospital with no baby. It was hard to bond. I was terrified, and still am, that something awful will happen to her. After doing a bit of research, I realized I have PTSD. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is characterized as a debilitating condition that occurs in people who have witnessed an accident, natural disasters, sudden death of a loved one, personal assaults and other life threatening incidents. Normally, people who experience these things recover. People with PTSD, however, experience severe anxiety and depression for months/years afterwards. Problems with trust, communication and closeness can affect how he or she interacts with others, causing serious problems with relationships of all types. We isolate ourselves to block out the triggers. Living with PTSD can mean a very lonely existence. 7.7 million people over 18 in the USA have PTSD. Some go to therapy for help. Some self medicate with drugs or alcohol and some may turn to suicide as an answer to end the constant suffering. That's why the support of family and friends is so important to those who are suffering. Try to help us in any way you can. If you or a loved one is contemplating suicide, please call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK for assistance.

DAY 14: BELIEFS + SPIRITUALITY.

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they are not on your road does not mean they are lost." - Dalai Lama.

• My beliefs may be different than yours and that is okay. If you believe in a higher power, that's okay. If you don't believe in anything, that's okay too. We do not have to be the same to comfort each other in times of joy or devastation. I believe we are all made of energy and therefore we cannot be destroyed; Our energy is just transferred back into the universe. I believe the spirit of my daughter is still around me and I believe she sends me signs every once in a while. I believe the love of a mother never goes away.

DAY 15: WAVE OF LIGHT.

"We are all broken; That's how the light gets in." - Ernest Hemingway.

• Today is about remembering the babies. I'll let the light speak for me.

DAY 16: FULL MOON RETREAT.

"Maybe the wolf is in love with the moon and each month it cries for a love it will never touch." - Unknown

• Full Moon Retreat. A time to relax and bask in the glow of a nighttime beauty. These past 2 weeks of Capture Your Grief have helped me in more ways than one. Of course it has helped with the grieving process and made it easier to talk about my loss, but it has also helped with my problem of follow through. One of the main symptoms I deal with is incomplete tasks. For some reason, I just can't seem to remember to finish anything... and if I do, I only finish it bit by bit or all at once if the deadline is coming fast. I am happy to say I have not missed a day yet! Day 1 and Day 2 were postponed until Day 3, but since I started, I've kept it up. I am so proud of myself! This truly is a healing project, in more ways than one.

DAY 17: SACRED SPACE.

"Right where you are, the potential of the universe is." - Alexandra Katehakis.

• My sacred space is my room. My room is where I go to escape life's stresses and where I go to be with Lacey. The picture I'm including is a little old and I have added a few more items.

DAY 18: HEALING THERAPIES.

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage; Even if we have to dig a little to find it." - Tori Ames.

• Healing therapies have been plentiful for me. Since I don't like commitment, I "hobby jump," if that makes sense. One week I can be really into cross stitch, the next week I'm all about video games, the next week I'm into coloring and the next week it could be cooking, etc. Right after my loss, I was really into buying and reading religious books. I was searching for an answer as to why this had to happen to me. I transitioned into horror novels by Stephen King for a while. Then, it was on to painting. I painted for less than a month. I have sporadically tried my hand at photography as well. I'm not very good but I try lol also I've tried writing. I blogged about my loss (I'll include the links if you'd like to read them) and I've written fiction short stories from this book of prompts. I've scrapbooked, I've done puzzle books, collected a TON of buttons I know have no use for. All these things are a wonderful distraction and have been very beneficial in keeping my anxiety at bay. Even though it's highly annoying, not to mention expensive, to spend $50+ on each hobby, only to have it be replaced in a week or so, I'm still glad I did them all. On the plus side, I do still have the materials if I decide to try any of them again.

DAY 19: GRIEF RITUALS.

"Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright; Here one day, gone one night." - Michael Jackson, "Gone Too Soon"

• Every year on Lacey's birthday, I buy 10 heart shaped mylar balloons. 5 pink and 5 red. I write "Happy Heavenly Birthday Lacey" along with my name and phone number on them with a message to text me with the location if it's found by someone. It's very special to me because I'll never get to have an actual birthday party with her. I also let balloons go throughout the year for other loved ones who have passed away, so this isn't strictly a grief ritual for my daughter.

DAY 20: GRATITUDE.

"There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were." Dwight D. Eisenhower.

• Be grateful, they say. You have other children, they say. You're still young, they say. While this is all true, it doesn't change the fact that I don't have my daughter anymore. However, there are things for which I am grateful. I'm grateful that I got to spend 34 amazing weeks with my sweet baby and that I was able to deliver her as a VBAC. I'm grateful that I got to spend 24 beautiful hours with her after she was born. I'm grateful for the medical staff for saving my life and being so incredibly wonderful and caring during my time of need. Although sad, I'm grateful that one of my nurses had also lost a child so she was able to guide me through those first few heartbreaking days. I am so thankful that she was there because I probably would have gone off the deep end had she not been there with me. She held my hand and cried with me for quite a while. None of that made letting go any easier though.

DAY 21: RELATIONSHIPS.

• My relationships have struggled since Lacey passed. I have been in a dark place for a long time. At first, I was trying to fight my way out of it but it was just too hard and I let it swallow me. I lost contact with a lot of my friends. They just gave up talking to me because I was flaky. I was always cancelling plans because my anxiety and depression were so bad. It still is but I can manage to see people every once in a while now. It does come in waves though. I'll be positive for a week or two and then I'll spiral back down into it. It's been very lonely because I feel like nobody understands and they just think I'm doing it on purpose but I'm not. I can't control it and I can't know how I'm going to feel in the future. I just wish they could feel how I feel for just one day. Then they would understand.

DAY 22: PEARLS OF WISDOM.

• What advice would I give to a person who has just set sail in their grief journey? Know that it is okay to be weak. I know being strong is what mothers do... we put on this facade of "everything is okay" even when we are drowning. It's okay to not be in control. When your baby dies, nothing is in your control anymore and that can be frightening. You're so used to making proactive decisions but now you've found yourself in no man's land. My best advice is to go with the flow. Don't push yourself too much. Don't beat yourself up. Don't blame yourself because it wasn't your fault. Most importantly, take care of you. Everyone else is going to push "I would have done this" and "you should have done that" on you. Most people mean well but you'll find that it may make you feel inadequate. You are NOT inadequate. Don't try to be everything for everyone right now. Use what energy you have right now wisely. Mentally and physically. Losing a baby is exhausting. Take care of yourself, mama.

DAY 23: SOUNDS, SEASONS + SCENTS.

• The song I picked to play at Lacey's funeral.  If I Die Young - The Band Perry

DAY 24: CONSCIOUSLY BECOMING.

"Just imagine becoming the way you used to be as a very young child, before you understood the meaning of any word, before opinions took over your mind. The real you is loving, joyful, and free. The real you is just like a flower, just like the wind, just like the ocean, just like the sun." - Don Miguel Ruiz

• Before Lacey died, I was pretty much carefree. I wasn't afraid of everything and I rarely had anxiety or panic attacks. I didn't have trichotillomania, which is literally pulling my hair out. I was a hypochondriac but not to the extent that I am now. I wasn't scared of going to the doctor or constantly missing appointments. Now I can't even get my blood pressure checked without turning into a spazz. The new me is annoying. I'm a wet blanket. I don't know how to have fun anymore. I have to take a nap every day. I feel so old now. I'm only 25 but I feel at least double that. It's exhausting. Even when I'm not doing anything. I just want part of the old me back. The naive part. The happy part. The energetic part. The social butterfly part. I mean, I'm a recluse now and I have lost all of my friends. It's so lonely. I thought people were supposed to smother you with their presence when you're grieving but I guess they all got tired since it's been so long now. I feel like they all moved on and I'm just stuck. I've been trying really, really hard to put myself out there again and I've been trying to get out of the house and be more positive. I've been trying to experience new things with the the people who are important to me. It's been going great so far. I just hope it continues.

DAY 25: I AM.

"Imagine a love so strong it made saying hello and goodbye in the same day worth all the pain." - Anonymous.

• I wish my daughter was still alive. 
• I remember her little body wriggling in my belly. 
• I couldn't believe it when they told me she was gone. 
• If only I had listened to my intuition the day before. 
• I am working on forgiving myself for not knowing.

DAY 26: #WHATHEALSYOU.

"Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere." - Unknown.

• What heals me is crafting. It doesn't matter if it's a scrapbook, a decor project, a kids craft, etc. Anything that is working with my hands. It makes me feel accomplished, like I'm actually worth something. I spend most of my time feeling useless so if I can create something, whether it be my own idea or my twist on someone else's, I feel somewhat validated. I know it's not much but I love it.

DAY 27: FAMILY IS FOREVER.

"The love between a mother and daughter is forever."

• Today, my family includes: Cody, Mason, Lacey, Whitney and myself. There will never be a time when I don't include Lacey. When people ask me how many children I have, I say 3 but one has passed. I'm usually met with an awkward silence or an "I'm so sorry" and then I say "oh, it's okay" even though it's really not. My other family members I would include would be all of my grandparents. My mom and sister. My aunt, uncle and cousins. My sister in laws and their families and my hubby's best friend and his parents. They all mean so much to me, although that would mean quite a large photograph!

DAY 28: SELF COMPASSION.

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything." - George Bernard Shaw.

• Self care is a topic I struggle with. I used to always wear make up and have my hair and nails done. Now, I could care less about those things. I need to care about them because it's what made me feel like myself. I just recently got a haircut and while that may seem insignificant to most, it was very hard for me. I got my last haircut right when I found out I was pregnant with Lacey. That was in May of 2013. I figured my hair would grow a lot while I was pregnant and boy did it. It was a mane. After she passed, I swore I'd never get it cut again because it was the only part of me left that was with me when I had her. I had another baby a little over a year ago and while I was pregnant, my hair grew even more. It was almost to my butt after delivery and last week it was there. So, this past week, I decided to get a cut. I went in, got a nice wash and 6 inches cut off. It's still long but it felt liberating. I honestly should have done it a long time ago but I was holding on to it for Lacey. Now I realize how silly that probably seems to other people.

DAY 29: GIVE AWAY YOUR LOVE.

"Give away your love, freely and without expectation. Give it away and soon your life will be filled with love, and you will have set others on the path of love and peace." - John Robbins.

• I had plans to do something but then life got in the way. This is the second best thing I could think of, so here you go. We have all been giving away our love to each other since we joined this group.

DAY 30: MY PROMISE TO YOU.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." - Robert Frost.

• My promise to you is to be present in my life. I've been absent from my life for so long, just sitting on the sidelines watching time pass by. There is no point in wasting my life just because you didn't get to live yours and I don't think you would want me to do that. I promise to try to do the things you'll never get to do, read the books you'll never get to read, see the places you'll never get to see. I promise to not be so boring and such a stick in the mud from now on. Lastly, and most importantly, I promise to love you all the days of my life.

DAY 31: SUNSET REFLECTION.

"How strange this fear of death is! We are never frightened at a sunset." - George MacDonald.

• 30 days ago, I started on this journey with all of you. I never imagined talking about my loss every day would help lift me out of my hole. I got a hair cut, I wore make up, I hung out with friends and even went trick or treating tonight. It's amazing how actually releasing some of this pain can help revitalize you a bit. I never knew starting this journey would bring me into contact with so many more loss moms and their stories. I want to thank you all for your support and love during this month. The holidays will be hard on us all and we'll need each other more than ever and I hope we can all stay just as close in the coming months...

❤