What Makes A Mother - Jennifer Wasik

What Makes A Mother
By Jennifer Wasik

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked, “what makes a Mother”?
And I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and other's for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay."

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared His throat,
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing here.

If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.”

So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see
what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.

After. [Coming Home]

"My heart has forever been ripped in two; One half went with me, and the other went with you." - HM

On Friday, December 13, 2013, I didn't want to leave the hospital. I was in a cocoon of loving nurses who understood what had happened. Leaving meant it was real. I went outside before it was time to go and I had a panic attack. I told the nurse something was wrong, I wasn't ready. I knew the end was near. 

I had Cody take all of the things out to the car. That's all I had of her. THINGS. A blanket, a box, a folder of bereavement services to call. That was a long drive home. I knew what I would be facing when I walked in.

I walked into a small bedroom full of baby clothes and blankies. Bags upon bags of baby things. Boxes of diapers, boxes of wipes. No baby. I panicked. I was overwhelmed. I decided I was going to return it all and I did. 

When I got to the store, it took a full cart to bring it all inside. The lady at customer service said "It looks like somebody had a baby shower!" and another chimed in "Look how cute these shoes are! Why would you want to return them?! I would keep them!" All I could muster was "I wish I could" as tears rolled down my cheeks. I used the money from the returned items to buy a memorial ring. It has Lacey written on the side of it with interlocking hearts. I honestly wish I hadn't returned everything now. Every so often, I see a toy or a blanket that I returned and tears well up in my eyes. It isn't fair. Delivering a baby and not getting to keep her isn't fair. 

The following week, Tuesday, December 17, 2013, we held a memorial service for Lacey at our local Funeral Home. I had gotten a few photos printed and had set them up on a table in the front of the chapel. My great-aunt had put together a few items for me and some floral arrangements. There was no wake. We had her cremated. Sadly, she didn't even get to attend her own memorial. I was so taken aback by the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends. I will be forever grateful to them for coming to be with us. Cody's pastor from his church spoke and read a beautiful poem called What Makes a Mother. It is a beautiful poem and I'll post it in another blog. We prayed and played the song I had chosen, "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry. That song still cuts me to my core. 

Moving on has been so hard. I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety since losing Lacey. The simplest things have become difficult and it's like I've been living in a fog for so long. I will never forget my precious daughter. Stillborn, but still born, still loved and still mine.